


A Detective’s Gaydar

by aiisa



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: AU, Homophobia, L is a dick who outs people upon meeting them, M/M, Oh wait, WIP, asshole!L, but like, lawlight, no beta or drafting so we’ll see how it goes, only a hint of the future, thats canon nvm, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29140341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aiisa/pseuds/aiisa
Summary: “. . . . .Yagami-san. If you’d told me your son was a homosexual, I would have made different arrangements for surveillance to ensure the comfort of both parties.”
Relationships: L & Yagami Light, L/Yagami Light
Comments: 18
Kudos: 164





	A Detective’s Gaydar

“. . . . .Yagami-san. If you’d told me your son was a homosexual, I would have made different arrangements for surveillance to ensure the comfort of both parties.”

And from there, all hell broke loose.

Mogi and Matsuda gasped. Aizawa shouted a bunch of typical angry-man nonsense that L elected to ignore. Light was still off by the door, sputtering incoherently.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?!”

Souichirou was a patient man. As a general rule, this was why he was L’s favorite person on the Task Force. For some reason, however, he seemed particularly enraged now. _Curious. Is it possible that Yagami-san, our local pillar of justice, is a homophobe? Or has he seriously not noticed?_

“Don’t tell me you don’t know, Yagami-san. It’s fairly obvious, and I’ve only met him a mere 29 seconds ago. Seeing as he makes no attempt to hide it, I assumed he was out.”

_Oh good god._ Light was panicking, but he tried his best to keep his cool. _Don’t panic. If he gets under your skin, you’re fucked._

“My son dates girls, Ryuuzaki!”

“Yeah!” Light decided to chime in, “I have a date with Kiyomi Takada from my economics course tomorrow afternoon!” _Never mind that it’s only to get her to stop asking..._

“Surely, Ryuuzaki, you’re making a mistake. An offensive one, I might add.”

L rolled his eyes. “Do you know what they call me? What L’s title is?”

“The World’s Greatest Detective!”  Matsuda interjected excitedly.

“Yes, Matsuda-san is correct. I know that you all seem to forget this little fact often, but it should be known that my ability is not one of smoke and mirrors. Well, my identity maybe— but the fact remains that I possess the mind that has solved countless cases from the last 15 years. So when I say that Yagami Light is the gayest of men that I’ve seen during my entire stay in Japan, it might be prudent of you to actually consider it.”

“You can’t just go around calling people fags, Ryuuzaki!” said Aizawa. L could’ve sworn there was smoke coming out of his ears. 

“Very true. I would never call someone a ‘fag’ as you so eloquently put it. That would imply there was something wrong with it. Regardless, Yagami-san’s son is about as straight as a tennis ball.”

“And how did you reach this conclusion, Ryuuzaki?” Yagami-san growled, teeth grinding in a fashion that almost made L wince. _Almost_.

“Yeah! How has there been any indication of me being anything other than straight?” Light seemed very eager to put some words in, but L could see the rising panic in his eyes.

“I’m so glad Yagami-san has asked. Allow me to explain:

1\. During surveillance, there was not one instance of masturbation to any of the dirty magazines in your room. They have been placed to compensate for something, and there are really only so many logical conclusions that can be made.

2\. Your last name backwards, if translated into English, means “I’m a gay,” which I find hilarious. It’s not actual evidence, but I thought I would share.

3\. For all your dating around, none of your girlfriends have lasted. Having heard your father preach your moral character a dozen times over, I know it’s not because you are a player. You simply cannot bring yourself to be attracted to any of them. This might have pointed to asexuality, if not for:

4\. The way you blushed at the tips of your ears when in the company of other younger men. If you’ll look, Yagami-san, he’s doing it now.”

“My god, he’s right! Look!” Matsuda pointed.

“Thank you, Matsui-san. Now onto 5: you are impeccably well-dressed. A stereotype, to be sure, but when paired with several of the aforementioned clues, it only adds to the probability of your homosexuality.”

“Hey! I dress nice too!” Matsuda said, sniffing slightly.

“Matsui-san dresses passably, but this conversation is not about him. Anyway. There is also his pitch. It isn’t always obvious, but in certain words you can sense that he is purposely lowering it. This sort of dedication is that of someone who is covering himself up. At first I thought it was a preference thing, but based on the fact that nobody knew about this, I’m guessing that he hides this to avoid suspicion.”

“And finally,” L stood up, and slouched over to where Light was, with his hands in his pockets, “There are the eyes.”

He leaned over so his face was close to Light’s, and Light began to feel the blaring heat on his face. _Fuck, fuck fuck—_

“His eyes dilate when I get close.” As he leaned inches from Light’s face, L’s voice quickly dropped to a murmur, “Why do you think that is, Light-kun?”

Before Light could let his eyes close, L stepped back and turned back to face his audience. “In conclusion, if I had noticed that our dear Light-kun here was gay earlier on, I would have handled his surveillance a different way. I’m sure he would have been far more embarrassed that someone of the same sex that he is attracted to was watching his every move. There are several lines that I will cross to meet an end, but this is one I’d rather not if I could avoid doing so. I feel bad enough for accidentally outting him, but I hadn’t imagined that it was meant to be a secret. It just seemed too obvious to me. I apologize Light-kun.”

“However, because you all have provided many disappointing displays of homophobia today, I’ll have to ask that everyone but Matsui-san, Mogi-san, and Light-kun go home for today.” he ignored the indignant cries as he signaled for Watari to clear out the hotel room. “Those who remain, come. We have a bit to discuss— we’ll eat macaroons and figure out a new plan.”

“We’re discussing this at home, Light.” Yagami Souichirou said as he was led to the door.

“Of course, Yagami-san. Now Light-kun.” L said bumping his shoulder, and smiling apologetically. “Come with me. I have quite a bit to make up to you.”


End file.
